doing what I can with what I got

For my first post,I would like to take some time and delve into how to have an even balance of reaching for the stars while also being realistic. I would like  to also start this off by saying this is just from my experience on what has been working or not  for my past 21 years of life. Let me just say I have had a fill of trial by error over the years. Even then I feel like I still have yet to find the right answer for quite a few things in life.

 How does one get to their desired path  as I see many my age and even younger doing all around me? I ask myself this every day, and a part of me deep down is just praying that it all works out in the end. I mean I feel like doing just that has gotten me this far or maybe it was just luck because I don’t feel like my work ethic hasn’t changed yet I have become stagnant in approaching and achieving my goals. Well, that’s a lie. I feel like in the years prior there was some sort of initiative within me, l and now it has just died down leaving me stranded for these last two years of school. I find it crazy how it feels like I’m trying everything in my power right now to do well in school physically and mentally but deep down I know that my work has just not been the same/as good. 

  I have been in this predicament before. The lack of motivation becomes unbearable seemingly around my second to last year in school. I remember my junior year in high school telling my English teacher that I just had no motivation to do anything for any classes. I couldn’t even write a 400 word response my brain wouldn’t allow it. While, during this wave of feeling unmotivated I still find the will to complete tasks there’s still that part of me that knows that they could be done 100% better. I just don’t give myself the time to think out and plan for assignments. Even if I do plan in my head prior to doing an assignment the panic I Have when I finally do get around to doing an assignment blocks my creativity and jumbles whatever I had planned so it’s basically like starting from square one. 

I have a recently come to terms with the fact nothing falls in my lap, but I just would really love to know how I’ve been making it through in the past. It seems like as soon as this year hit I forgot how I ever got motivated or what it is to not procrastinate. It is like all I am capable of doing now is working under pressure. I know that that is not the case though deep down.

These days it’s become imperative to me in my brain that I break the cycle of obvious self sabotage. I have not been at rest or at ease this whole semester fighting my urge to put things off till the last minute. As I said before I have been through a lot of trial and error but I’m tired of the “error” part of things. I know I will still not be perfect and there will be mistakes along the way but I am getting away from the self-inflicted misfortune that has been looming over me in the past and the semester. I’m ready to push myself whatever that means to get to where I need to be to get what I desire. I knew I could be doing more and so now I am pushing to do and be more than what I felt like I was leading up to this point. I have even added to my schedule to keep me busy with things such as two new afterschool clubs and a part-time job just to keep me on my toes and to keep my energy up in a way. This journey to functioning productively is a long one that takes mental and emotional strength. The stress may be overwhelming right now trying to keep up with things and push past my mentality but in the end it is just temporary pain for success in the long run. Like the saying goes “no pain no gain.” Success is not by luck and It is also not guaranteed but I am ready to take it on and all the growing pains that come with it, because at the end of the day if I’m not as successful or in the spot that I wanted to be I will still feel like I have accomplished things in my life by just working towards the goal and not letting myself give in to my feeling of not being good enough because of the procrastination and all over seemingly self-destructive attitude I have had in the past.