Working my way out of darkness

Just when I think I had things under control a whole new wave of misunderstanding and confusion hit. And I know I’ve made all of my blog posts about my mental struggle/internal struggle so far but it’s the best thing that I know how to write about at this point. It seems like the struggle is overtaking my life. even though I am in my as I said in my last post, delusional era, it’s not right away that you can sit into your delusions there is still that sense of reality lurking in the background of my mind telling me that if we keep ignoring our problems and making ourselves believe that everything is OK everything will surely fall apart in the end. And I’m trying to get over that process of thinking and sink into the delusions of a perfect life or near perfect life. Which will in turn maybe hopefully get me to a place mentally where I can physically deal with the outside world without completely crumbling when it comes to hardships in my life.

I don’t want this block to be all about my life just going downhill or taking the wrong turn. I’m gonna try to make this take a positive turn with the next post or even this post. I’ll talk about what my plans are for the future instead of all the failures I’ve had in the past. They say you have to speak what you desire into existence and lately I feel like I’ve been speaking nothing but negativity into my life even though I’ve had some rough things happened to me over the past few months my outlook has remained the same and I’ve been focusing on the same things which is all the bad.

Since my Situationship break up a month or two ago I’ve been really lost. I thought I was happy and ready to take on this next new year(2022) .by the end of it  though I feel like I’m back at where I started in 2021 or even 2020 lost not knowing who I am. I’m trying to regain that feeling that I had a year or two ago or even three years ago when I first started going to college here. I think I let myself settle into a life of being a hermit and shutting off from people after my break up freshman year, so much that I didn’t even realize it until it was too late now it feels like it’s impossible to make real connections that aren’t sexual or romantic.

This next chapter though is going to be different. I’m going to put the romance off to the side and focus on my true happiness without having to have somebody longing for me 24-seven. Yes, I may still have romantic situation-ships from time to time but I’m no longer putting genuine energy into that side of my life. I want to connect with people on a level that is far past physical. I want to be able to build with a support group that I never was able to build or put the effort into building the first three years that I was up here or even the last year I was in high school.

I’m going to also give myself grace I know I want to achieve big things in my life but I have been rushing myself to no end. I am an instant satisfaction type of person so if my life seems to veer off in any disappointing direction then it feels like my world is ending. I.truly want to get out of that mindset. I am consciously fighting that train of thought. And like I said in my last post I’m in my delusional era as of currently. Which means that yeah some Bad or even messed up stuff it’s gonna happen in life but it’s my choice to be proactive or reactive and each situation. If in a situation I can’t figure out the best route for me right then and there I will take some time off I won’t rush myself anymore perfection does take time even though that’s not what I’m really going for I want to be damn near close in my own way of course.

In the end my life is only as perfect as my outlook on it. is because after I’m dead nothing else will matter, not saying that I want that anytime soon but I’m tired of focusing on the tangible world I want to connect spiritually with myself in this physical realm. I want my mind and my body to be equal, well maybe I want my mind a little stronger, and I know that sounds kinda hippy but hey whatever Road I gotta take to have peace of mind I’m on it!