Author: lab306

Posted on

Working my way out of darkness

Just when I think I had things under control a whole new wave of misunderstanding and confusion hit. And I know I’ve made all of my blog posts about my mental struggle/internal struggle so far but it’s the best thing that I know how to write about at this point. It seems like the struggle is overtaking my life. even though I am in my as I said in my last post, delusional era, it’s not right away that you can sit into your delusions there is still that sense of reality lurking in the background of my mind telling me that if we keep ignoring our problems and making ourselves believe that everything is OK everything will surely fall apart in the end. And I’m trying to get over that process of thinking and sink into the delusions of a perfect life or near perfect life. Which will in turn maybe hopefully get me to a place mentally where I can physically deal with the outside world without completely crumbling when it comes to hardships in my life.

 

I don’t want this block to be all about my life just going downhill or taking the wrong turn. I’m gonna try to make this take a positive turn with the next post or even this post. I’ll talk about what my plans are for the future instead of all the failures I’ve had in the past. They say you have to speak what you desire into existence and lately I feel like I’ve been speaking nothing but negativity into my life even though I’ve had some rough things happened to me over the past few months my outlook has remained the same and I’ve been focusing on the same things which is all the bad.

 

Since my Situationship break up a month or two ago I’ve been really lost. I thought I was happy and ready to take on this next new year(2022) .by the end of it  though I feel like I’m back at where I started in 2021 or even 2020 lost not knowing who I am. I’m trying to regain that feeling that I had a year or two ago or even three years ago when I first started going to college here. I think I let myself settle into a life of being a hermit and shutting off from people after my break up freshman year, so much that I didn’t even realize it until it was too late now it feels like it’s impossible to make real connections that aren’t sexual or romantic.

 

This next chapter though is going to be different. I’m going to put the romance off to the side and focus on my true happiness without having to have somebody longing for me 24-seven. Yes, I may still have romantic situation-ships from time to time but I’m no longer putting genuine energy into that side of my life. I want to connect with people on a level that is far past physical. I want to be able to build with a support group that I never was able to build or put the effort into building the first three years that I was up here or even the last year I was in high school.

 

I’m going to also give myself grace I know I want to achieve big things in my life but I have been rushing myself to no end. I am an instant satisfaction type of person so if my life seems to veer off in any disappointing direction then it feels like my world is ending. I.truly want to get out of that mindset. I am consciously fighting that train of thought. And like I said in my last post I’m in my delusional era as of currently. Which means that yeah some Bad or even messed up stuff it’s gonna happen in life but it’s my choice to be proactive or reactive and each situation. If in a situation I can’t figure out the best route for me right then and there I will take some time off I won’t rush myself anymore perfection does take time even though that’s not what I’m really going for I want to be damn near close in my own way of course.

 

In the end my life is only as perfect as my outlook on it. is because after I’m dead nothing else will matter, not saying that I want that anytime soon but I’m tired of focusing on the tangible world I want to connect spiritually with myself in this physical realm. I want my mind and my body to be equal, well maybe I want my mind a little stronger, and I know that sounds kinda hippy but hey whatever Road I gotta take to have peace of mind I’m on it!

Posted on

Delusional era

The past few weeks have been super crazy, I guess to put it lightly. I’ve been anticipating seasonal depression but I didn’t know it was going to hit this hard. The funny thing is though, as soon as I move on with one thing that may have been bringing me down, it’s like I turn the corner and it’s the next obstacle. Now, I don’t know if I’m just viewing things this way because of the looming seasonal depression, but ever since October came and then went and the cold fronts hit it feels like Things have taken a turn. I wouldn’t say that my life has taken a turn for the worse, but it has definitely put me through a lot of nonstop trials.

 

I feel like I could List all everything that has gone wrong over the past two months or a month and some change, but I feel like even explaining everything would just bring that past negativity to life again in some way. It just feels better to act like everything is going well and then maybe in time, it will be. It works for about 3 days at a time. The best and the most disruptive example, I have is when I was finally getting over a two-week period of major stressing with, essay on top of essay due back to back and me being sick all week on top of that. When I had gotten sick for a week, I had virtually no money for food and or cough medicine to help with my symptoms, but as soon as Friday hit so did my paycheck and things started looking up I actually started getting over my symptoms by then, for the most part, I can breathe again and I had ordered groceries for the next few weeks. Then the next obstacle arrived. That evening, on my way back from getting the groceries, I previously ordered, I was in a crash and my front bumper was peeled from my car.  After that week/weekend, a stream of misfortune followed. Mainly to do with the fact of lacking transportation and that being more important to my day-to-day life than I realized. 

 

Now, presently, still dealing with accident claims, the fast approaching final projects and exams, and never failing seasonal depression, I am now in my “delusional”/ fake it till you make era with regulating how I feel and present myself when it comes to emotions. What I mean by this is that I’m choosing to embrace positivity and look forward to the good coming into my life and just trust that I know how to properly handle the obstacles. So I guess in a way what I’m doing could be viewed as ignoring the issue. When I say that a lot of memes come to mind of something’s burning down and the person who owns it ignoring it or just watching it burn, but for me at the moment I view it as compartmentalizing.

Just a week or two ago I was having the worst stress/anxiety episodes. I never wanted to be pushed to the point of sleepless nights and headaches again so I just started slowly addressing the bad in increments I guess you could say. Moreover though I would embrace whatever positive events that were happening or were coming up for the foremost. I remember the day after my accident I had a bad performance that I have been looking forward to four weeks at that point I was on the phone with my friend and we were talking about if I was going to go anymore or not or if I was just gonna focus on what had just happened with my car. Well yes what had just happened was very important to get to I knew  I couldn’t do anything that night or even the next day to solve the issue. I also knew  that it would be good for me to not miss out on this opportunity to perform with my team one last time before the season ended. if I had missed this opportunity, due to the fact that I chose to stay home and dwell on the accident I probably would’ve felt worse overall. At this moment I can say that I’m doing pretty alright,and I believe it’s because I have been compartmentalizing. Another possibility I have considered on why I’m not as stressed as I feel I should be with all of this mishaps arising lately is that I have become desensitized to the negativity and I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. If I “can’t feel the negative effects” of things going wrong then it makes it easier to settle down bravely and figure out how to make them right more efficiently. So in The long drive I guess Im just finally realizing how to regulate my emotions like a typical adult or close to one anyway.